Twister only it's on acid
by NarcissaVenus
Summary: Sparrow, Turner, Swann, Norrington, Barbossa, Jack, Dalma, Jones, Pintel, Ragetti, Gibbs, Murtogg, Mullroy, Gillette, Beckett, and Anamaria decide to be hillariously OOC and the 18 of them have a unique experience playing Twister. Story is better than sum


(This is an updated version as I missed some things!)

Twister (only it's on acid)

Thanks to those who pointed out my mistakes, they are hopefully corrected in this version!

I do not own anything at all whatsoever except for the plot… though I wouldn't mind owning Norrington… or Sparrow… or Turner for that matter.

Each character has an over-exaggerated quirk or something ridiculous that I made up for them. I wonder… can you spot them all and know where they're from? The first person that gets them all right gets a prize.

Please read the notes at the end of the story, and if at all possible, please review. Flames, comments, corrections, etc. are all graciously accepted.

I had to write something funny in between the two long stories I'm currently working on. One is the diary of Bill Turner and the other is about Commodore Norrington.

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"Right, so the rules are…" said Pintel as he was rudely interrupted by Ragetti who was polishing his new glass eye.

"First we pick a spinner," he said eagerly, popping the eye back into its socket.

"I'M READING THE RULES!" Pintel roared. "Now, first we pick a spinner, then the spinner spins the spinney thing and everyone has to follow the directions of the arrow without falling over, ok?"

"Yup," the others answered.

"Exciting!" exclaimed the Governor.

No sooner had Pintel announced that the first direction was right foot red, than Captain Jack's hat fell off, and his rum bottle fell from his arms.

"Oh crap! I've dropped my crap!" he exclaimed, stooping to pick the things up, then threw his hat off to the side where it landed on Pintel's head. He was about to toss the rum bottle too, but after casting a wary glance in Elizabeth's direction, he quickly hid it on his person. She batted her eyelashes at him and gave him a coy smile. Norrington saw this and looked even more shattered than he had before. Jack smirked.

"Left foot blue!"

Elizabeth found herself in a strange sandwich between Murtogg and Mullroy. She smiled at them in a flirty way and ground her backside against Mullroy, causing him to blush like a tomato and fall over. Mullroy was the first person out, so he sat alone on the sidelines next to Pintel.

"Right foot green!"

Governor Weatherby Swann found himself face to face not even two inches apart from Captain Jack Sparrow who was breathing in his face, making him cough and sputter. The wretched smell was like a donkey's ass (and this was an assumption because he really didn't have personal experience in the distinguishing of the anal odors produced by the equus asinus) and it became too much for him as he fainted and was the next person out. He was quickly revived and sent to sit by Mullroy, whom he found to be very exciting.

They were soon joined by Murtogg who had fallen over while laughing his ass off at the governor's reaction to Jack's foul breath. Murtogg and Mullroy immediately started arguing over whether or not the Black Pearl was a real ship.

Elizabeth found herself pressed against Captain Hector Barbossa who was chomping on an apple and laughing to himself about god knows what. She looked him in the eyes as she licked her lips and took a bite out of his apple, then looked as though she were about to kiss him but made a sudden detour and kissed the end of his nose. Lieutenant Gillette saw that Admiral Norrington had witnessed this and he attempted to cheer up the man on whom he had the largest crush in the world.

Norrington smiled at him in the way of someone who was terrified and only wanted to get away, but was unable to for fear of losing the game. Will Turner also saw this and tried to challenge Barbossa to a duel. This sent Bootstrap Bill into a frenzy of whispering to the man next to him who happened to be Lord Cutler Beckett, who was listening intently.

"Left hand yellow!"

This caused everyone to bend over, creating some extremely bizarre and unconventional situations. Lieutenant Gillette was forced to bend over Admiral Norrington, which pleased him greatly, but when he did so, the Admiral could clearly feel the Lieutenant's erection pressing into the back of his leg and he swore aloud, causing Gillette to jump in surprise and fall over. He sullenly walked over and sat down next to Governor Swann and dreamily watched Norrington from the sidelines.

Will found himself face to face with Barbossa and narrowing his eyes, he addressed the former Captain of the Black Pearl and said, "Hello, my name is William Turner, you killed my father, prepare to die!" Barbossa arched an eyebrow and from somewhere on Will's left he heard, "No, I am your father. I'm not dead," said Bootstrap Bill Turner, who was unfortunately bent over Cutler Beckett. In shock, Will lost his balance while twisting to see the speaker and fell over, surprised that he hadn't seen his father there previously. He also walked over to the sidelines and sat down.

"Exciting!" exclaimed the governor.

"You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means," said Gibbs from where he was bent over Anamaria in the thick mass of people who were crowding the Twister mat.

Davey Jones was bent over Tia Dalma and each of his tentacles was giving her a hickey on the back of her neck and she seemed to be enjoying herself. However those poor unfortunate souls who accidentally glanced over at them were immediately burdened with a stomachache, a headache, and nausea.

Bootstrap, worried about his son's anger and eagerness to duel seemingly more experienced people, he whispered even more rapidly to the intently listening Cutler Beckett.

Jack the monkey was hanging on Captain Jack's head and attempting to bite his nose off.

Elizabeth smiled at Will who was sitting out and winked at him. James saw this and became even sadder.

"Right foot red!" again.

The monkey attempted to bite off Jack's nose, causing the semi drunken pirate to fall over and be lost from the game. He walked off with the damned monkey and listened to Mullroy and Murtogg once again arguing over the existence of the Black Pearl.

Davey was still bent over Tia, though not as much anymore, as they were moving on to plain old mouth-to-mouth kissing.

Anamaria was telling Joshamee Gibbs about how Captain Jack still owed her two ships. He was comfortingly running his fingers up and down her sides in a loving gesture.

Barbossa found himself laughing until he cried tears of mirth at the whispered theories that Bootstrap had conceived about the origins of his son's intense anger.

Beckett was intently listening to Ragetti recall the story of how he had lost his eye and occasionally nodding to show his interest.

Jack had just pulled his bottle of rum from his person to discover that it was mysteriously empty. "Why is the rum **always** gone?" he asked no one in particular.

Mullroy and Murtogg were still involved in their intense argument over who was right about the Black Pearl's existence.

Lieutenant Gillette had just finished telling Governor Swann of his not so secret undying love for Admiral Norrington, and the governor unsurprisingly found this to be a _very_ exciting topic of discussion.

And finally, after waiting five rounds, Admiral James Norrington finally found himself face to face with the love of his life, Elizabeth Swann. He greeted her in his normal fashion of informing her that she was precious to him and then off she went on one of her flirtatious rants.

"Ah, my own personal Casanova. I was dying to be near you," she informed him. His breathing grew labored as she drew closer.

"I… I love you," he told her. She smiled coyly and winked at him before placing a teasing kiss on his cheek.

"Right hand green!"

They all stretched to reach this one. And fortunately for them, no one fell – yet. All of a sudden, Jack the monkey scampered up to Ragetti and stole his glass eye; he panicked and ran after the monkey, out the door and onto the street. Everyone else just raised an eyebrow and continued what they were doing.

"Left foot red!"

Unfortunately for the two of them, being so intertwined, Davey fell and dragged Tia down with him. They hurriedly got to their feet and left to go find a more private room for themselves.

The remaining people who were still in the game were Bootstrap Bill Turner, Elizabeth Swann, Admiral James Norrington, Captain Hector Barbossa, Lord Cutler Beckett, Joshamee Gibbs, and Anamaria.

"Left hand green!"

Just as Pintel called out this command, Ragetti came running back in chasing Jack the Monkey. He ran straight across the board and smack into Anamaria who was knocked over.

Gibbs frowned at this and purposefully collapsed, not wanting to be without Anamaria. Like Davey and Tia the couple hurriedly left in search of privacy.

"Right foot green!"

Bootstrap attempted to make this stretch, but as he was eternally soaking wet from being a member of the Flying Dutchman's crew and the mat was made of plastic, it didn't work well at all and he slid off the mat and shot straight into the governor, knocking him over.

"Exciting!" the man exclaimed.

Elizabeth had now finally stopped teasing the Admiral and they were passionately kissing on the twister mat.

"Right hand blue!"

The remaining lovers broke apart to move, and the smile on James' face was so bright that Beckett was blinded by his white teeth and fell over landing right in the lap of Governor Weatherby Swann. The man looked simply overjoyed at this new excitement.

"Exciting!" he exclaimed, and Beckett asked him to describe, in detail, exactly how exciting it was for him, managing to listen intently the entire time.

Lieutenant Gillette was heart-broken and one only needed to see the crestfallen expression on his face to know it.

Norrington and Elizabeth resumed their other activities as the sideline conversations went on and as Pintel spun the arrow.

"Left hand yellow!"

Admiral James Norrington no longer cared about the game, and neither did Miss Elizabeth Swann. All they cared about was the feel of the other's lips on their own and how much they wanted to marry each other and have nineteen children together. They dropped to the mat and proceeded to continue making out passionately while rolling around on the floor.

This left Barbossa as the winner, when Beckett asked him what he was going to do then, he simply replied, "I've just won the game and now I'm going to Disneyland! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" and he laughed his ass off like a complete loon until Murtogg and Mullroy dragged him off. Watching the spectacle, the Governor exclaimed, "Excite" but was interrupted by five hands being placed over his mouth.

James broke away from kissing Elizabeth and said, "No matter where I am on the sea, I will always come back for you."

"But how can you be sure?" she asked.

"This is true love… you think it happens every day?" he asked, before resuming kissing her again.

Jack was wisely informing Will about his job as a blacksmith's apprentice, he said, "Always two there are, a master and an apprentice."

Everyone turned out fine after their gamming afternoon… well except for Barbossa that is; he was carted away to live in a special ship which had a padded hull interior.

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Credits:

1. The interruption and outburst at the beginning was from PotC: CotBP

2. "Oh crap! I've dropped my crap!" – Keith Richards (backstage at a Rolling Stones show in Amsterdam)

3. "Jack's breath is like a donkey's ass." – Gore Verbinski (on audio commentary)

4. "Exciting!" – Jonathan Pryce (on the blooper reel, mentioned by Jack Davenport)

5. "Hello, my name is William Turner (Inigo Montoya), you killed my father, prepare to die." – Mandy Patinkin (as Inigo Montoya in "The Princess Bride")

6. "No, I am your father." – James Earl Jones (as Darth Vader in "The Empire Strikes Back", this line is commonly miss-quoted as being, "Luke, I am your father.")

7. "You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." – Mandy Patinkin (as Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride)

8. "Why is the rum always gone?" – Johnny Depp (as Capt. Jack Sparrow in "Dead Man's Chest")

9. Casanova – Giacomo Casanova was a famous Venetian seducer of women. He made a daring escape from the Doge's Palace in Venice in November of 1756. Although PotC is set in the early 1700's, I took creative license with this story, as they would not have known of many things I mentioned.

10. "I've just won the game (Super bowl) and now I'm going to Disneyland!" – often what Super bowl winners say?

11. "I will always come back to you" to "This is true love… you think it happens every day?" – Cary Elwes and Robin Wright (as Wesley and Buttercup in "The Princess Bride")

12. "Always two there are, a master and an apprentice." – Frank Oz (as Yoda in "The Phantom Menace")

Extra Notes:

Although James Earl Jones does not technically appear in any of the actual Star Wars films, he did the voice work for Darth Vader on all of them and the man who was actually doing the on screen performance of Darth Vader didn't even know what Vader would actually say because Mark Hamill himself was only told just before the scene was about to be shot.

I know that James Norrington was stripped of his rank as Commodore, which is below Admiral, however I also know that in the third PotC movie, Norrington will have been promoted even further up to Admiral. Because this story doesn't really have a specific time in which it takes place, I decided to play with stuff a bit.

Please review and give me criticisms or ideas for my revisions of this.


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